Zippy the Wonder Lump and Juan Valdez Conquer France
OR
HALUPKIE Rides Again
They whole French Army, Navy, Marines, Coast Guard, Air Force and Baker's Union where all assembled as in a military review before the French President and all his dignitaries, present for the grand unveiling of France's new symbol of nationalism and pride when Juan and Zippy blasted upon the scene, up through the earth, interrupting everything. Smoke and dirt were everywhere. People were screaming everywhere. Multitudes turned into poodles as Shops closed early. The President, stupefied and miffed at the unsophistication of their entrance and that they didn't wipe their feet, declared WAR on the foreign invaders. The French didn't know what to make of such language but decided to go after Valdez and Zippy anyway. Zippy and Juan Valdez were not in the least bit concerned. Juan Valdez showed Zippy some moves and rearrangement techniques from Feng-shui. They rearranged the stop signs and park benches and furniture inside buildings and traffic signals, rending all of France sapped of its Chi or energy. The soldiers were falling down like flailing phonies. Zippy and Juan handily combated France’s best -- The French Fiddle-Didies-- in the streets of Paris. Zippy got out his phasor-laser and melted tanks and buildings and stuff while Juan Valdez turned into what they have since called, “the Bidet of Death,” thoroughly cleaning out their colons forcing them to have no motivation to do anything but to find the nearest rest room.
The most lethal of all of France's military, their Special Forces, were the highly trained O.L.D.’s -- or Old Lady Destroyers-- who were armed with the most technologically advanced, heat seeking rolling pins and French Baguettes. The O.L.D.’s proved to be France’s toughest fighters. They closed in on the 2 invaders with the symbol of French honor and courage at their head. To Zippy and Juan’s astonishment, it was none other than Halupkie, Valdez’s donkey, but France’s new icon of pride and symbol bravery. At a quick belch from Valdez, Halupkie turned from a docile, farm working donkey into a wild, bucking, biting machine. He bit the O.L.D.’s hair nets of steel and tore their aprons and stockings in a fury of confusion. All and all, in the end, Zippy and Juan defeated France and firmly rebuked them for stealing Halupkie and causing the world to fall into the sleepies. They hoped all their cuisine tasted like re-fried sardines in French vanilla ice crème. (Terribly offending the French) Zippy found a knew career as a Private investigator as a result of all this, to clean up the world and help humanity. Jonny V. went back to Juan Valdez and made more coffee. He was forever indebted to the Zippmeister and named a new species of coffee bean after him. “Ah Zippy,” he said in his rough Colombian tongue, “you are indeed a Wonder Lump.”